"Have you ever felt this before?"
Put my fingers there, and damn. No. I'd never felt it before, but sure did then.
The room closed in a little and neither of us laughed much after that. Just so happens the lump is in my left breast. I had a mammogram last year, and the initial images seemed to suggest something in that breast, so they did a repeat with more compression (which I didn't believe was possible, but that's another story). After my various cancer experiences, I was scared, but the second image didn't show anything, and the radiology doctor said the first was probably a shadow or anomaly or something. So no worries.
Scared again. The lump feels large enough that I don't understand how I could have missed it.
She ordered a diagnostic mammogram, so I went to schedule it. The mammographer called me back almost immediately and said that I needed to have a digital mammogram this time at the civilian hospital. She said she was walking the request through the channels and that I should get an appointment almost immediately.
Now I'm really scared.
But I'm also grateful to my wonderful doc... The first one to listen to everything I said to her, to believe I knew and understood my own body, and to fight for me when I needed referrals to the Mohs specialist and the rheumatologist.
This has kicked my PTSD into high gear. I've slept more hours than I've been awake since the appointment, although I've got a ton of work to do. I want to talk to G. about it, but he was so obviously shaken when I told him on the phone that I hesitate to bring it up again yet. I need to cry but am still numb.
So, if you're reading this, I'd appreciate your good thoughts and energy once again.
It was 85 degrees today; all the snow is gone, and we have a temporary pond in our side yard. Looks like we could stock it with fish. The mosquitos and various flies are mobbing the windows. Tomorrow, I must make myself get outside and walk around a bit. Take the focus out a little farther than the end of my own nose.
Oddly enough, here's something that makes me feel better. Everybody in the world must have seen the YouTube video of Snowball the dancing cockatoo who loves the Backstreet Boys. I've always been interested in whether other animals besides humankind experience music the way we do, so I'm really happy that there are some researchers out there taking a look. Here's the video from Science Friday:
4 comments:
Well, I don't really have any words for this. I just wanted you to know that I read this post and will be thinking of you.
Vicki
Thank you so much, Vicki. Words don't matter as much as thought. I really believe sending good thoughts to someone helps heal. I'm grateful to you.
Let me start by saying that I am sending a TON of love and light your way. I can't imagine what you're going through, but just know you won't be going through it alone.... we will be there beside you (in spirit) the entire way.
I truly don't believe that God, the universe, or the cosmos gives us more than we can handle, and I also truly believe there is beauty and knowledge in even the darkest of nights. My sincere wish is that you will be able to find both in this trying time. (And I have no doubt that you will, as your strength and beauty shine through in your words.)
Now, two more things:
1. Thank you SO much for posting about the animals/music research! This is something I've always wondered about as well, and you've made my brain happy by feeding it a little tasty info! Thanks!
2. How do I go about finding this doctor who listens? Cause I'd give anything for one of those! LOL
<3
Jenn, isn't it funny how two strangers can connect so deeply, sight unseen, in cyberspace? Thank you for your love and light. As for animals and music -- or art in general -- have you looked into the elephants who paint? It's both uplifting and heartbreaking. And as for the wonderful doc who listens: She'll be in Barrow, Alaska, for the summer, and I'm trying to convince her to move to Atlanta or Decatur GA after that. If I can't get her to stay here after all, that is. ;)
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